Your Happy Place
by Goody
Summary: While Eliot and Hardison fight, Parker and Sophie wait anxiously for the moment we've all been waiting for. Not slash in any way.
1. The Plan

**Title:** Your Happy Place**  
Setting:** After the finale, assumes they stay at Hardison's mansion for at least a couple days after The Second David Job.**  
Spoilers:** Very mild ones for the 12-Step Job.**  
Rating:** PG**  
Author's Notes**: I can't stop writing!!! Possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever written, but I love it nonetheless and I hope you do too. Inspired by … well, I'll tell you at the end. Enjoy!

* * *

"Hardison, I swear to god if I ever see you near me or anything I own with another one of these damn drinks I will shove it so far up …"

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry and apologetic and all that, it was an accident," Hardison interrupted quickly, not really wanting to hear the rest of Eliot's threat. "I have no idea how this happened, I was being super careful, especially after last time."

"This is 'super careful'?" Eliot asked incredulously as he pointed at the bright blue stain stretching down his t-shirt. "What's regular-careful, sticking forks into electrical sockets?"

Hardison's mouth gaped open, seriously having no reply. He honestly had no idea how this had happened. The team was still staying at Hardison's mansion in the hills and when the hacker had heard Eliot drive up he and his slushie had gone outside to ask him a question. Somehow, in some way he couldn't fathom, as Eliot had been getting out of the driver's side Hardison had tripped and now there was blue slushie all over the most dangerous man he had ever met.

"It got on the seats!"

And his car as well apparently. Oh shit.

"You … you know, it's really hot out today, the ice has gotta be at least kinda refreshing," Hardison mumbled, trying to spin the situation into a positive. "And blue is totally your color."

The wide-eyed glare of raging anger that Eliot shot his way made him back up three steps and almost fall again.

"I … I gotta go!" Hardison squealed as he ran back into the house.

"Hardison, get back here! You're cleaning this up!" Eliot shouted at his retreating, soon to be deceased, teammate.

"I'll buy you a new car, I promise! A better car!" he yelled in supplication as he disappeared, too terrified of the possible physical pain Eliot might inflict on him to stay any longer.

"Hardison, if you don't get out here I'm gonna break every electronic thingy I find in that house when I get in there … and that includes you!"

Up on the second floor of the house Sophie heard the commotion from her temporary office and got up to see what was going on. When she got to the hallway she found Parker standing silently at the window looking out on the driveway, watching whatever was happening with a content smile on her face. She recognized the smile as Parker's look of pure happiness so she rushed to the window to see if their lawn was covered in money – it was the only thing she could think of that would make the thief smile like that.

Instead she just saw Eliot, covered with some blue substance, yelling at Hardison and gesturing furiously.

"What's going on out there?" Sophie asked, more to find out why it amused Parker so much rather than to learn about the rather obvious chain of events that must have occurred.

"Hardison spilt his drink all over Eliot and his car," Parker replied simply, eyes never shifting from the scene. The look of pure focus and anticipation on the blonde's face baffled Sophie so she stayed with her by the window to watch.

"You'd think he'd be more careful after last time," Sophie muttered, remembering the argument that had gone on for days about who was cleaning Eliot's car.

"He was being careful. Very careful actually," Parker told her in a creepy monotone voice as her eyes widened.

"Then how did his drink get spilled?" Sophie asked slowly.

Never taking her eyes off the driveway, Parker leaned sideways to whisper conspiratorially, "He may have been pushed."

Sophie's eyes widened, putting it all together, "Why would you push …"

"Shh. It's time," Parker announced gleefully as she bounced on her toes as though trying to get a better view of something. Following her gaze out the window Sophie couldn't understand what Parker was looking at – all she saw was Eliot, alone now and still angry but seemingly resigned to clean the car out himself.

"What … "

Before getting started Eliot pulled his ruined shirt off over his head and threw it to the ground which left him topless and glistening in the LA sunlight.

"Oh!" Sophie uttered.

"Mmmm," Parker agreed, smile widening.

They both knew that Eliot's torso was probably dotted with scars but from this distance all they could see was chiseled perfection. They had both known that Eliot was pure muscle but this was … well this was just fantastic!

"You truly are a criminal genius," Sophie whispered to Parker with complete sincerity. Then her jaw dropped as she watched Eliot's back flex while he pulled the stained mats out of the car.

Neither of them noticed or cared about the footsteps approaching down the hall.

Trying to peer over their shoulders to see what had so grabbed their attention, Nate asked, "What are you …"

"Shh!"

The sharpness of the double hiss was enough to send Nate back two steps with his arms held defensively in front of him. Neither woman turned to him though and he shook his head, having briefly seen what they were staring at.

"He's not a piece of meat you know!" Nate announced dramatically. "He's a person with feelings and … "

"Shh!" Sophie demanded again, one arm waving behind her urging Nate to go away while they watched their show.

"Get out of here!" Parker exclaimed, turning from the window for the first time in ten minutes. "Go drink something!"

"Yes, do that," Sophie agreed distractedly.

"You know when men do this it's considered degrading to women!" Nate pointed out incredulously, amazed by how blatantly they were watching Eliot. He received no further respone though and gave up with a sigh.

"And they call us animals," he muttered, wandering off to do as instructed. He found Hardison downstairs, pushed discreetly into a corner looking up details on car purchases.

"Don't go upstairs," he warned the hacker as he sank into an armchair with some scotch. "Sophie and Parker are in some kind of happy place and apparently there's no men allowed."

"I have no idea what that means," Hardison replied, never looking up from his life-saving venture of finding Eliot a new, better car.

"Yeah, I don't understand them either."

Upstairs Sophie frowned when it appeared Eliot was almost done cleaning out his vehicle. Sensing this as well Parker pulled out a tiny remote control from her back pocket.

"What is that?" Sophie asked, excited this time rather than cautious.

"Part two," Parker explained, giving her a sideways grin as she hit the only button on the remote and then looked out the window once more.

Sophie looked too just as the sprinkler, which should have been in the middle of the lawn but had been moved at some point to rest right next to the driveway, came to life, spraying a steady flow of water into the air and directly onto Eliot.

A shuddered gasp passed Sophie's lips while Parker's head merely tilted to the side as she smiled in appreciation.

"What the hell!" The hitter stood quickly, startled and left standing, water dripping from his hair and bare torso for a few glorious moments before he slammed his car door shut and stalked angrily towards the house.

"Hardison!"

Downstairs the hacker threw his laptop aside and raced for the backdoor, valuing his life too much to even bother to ask questions.

"He's going to kill him you know," Sophie said, her voice still lilting as though in a daze, her brain overloaded.

"It's worth it," Parker sighed, still looking at the spot Eliot had been standing. A few moments passed before she shook herself into a more aware state and then announced, "Okay, I have to go get some mud."

"What for?" Sophie asked, finally pushing away from the window as well.

"For part three. We're twenty-five miles from the nearest car wash, so if Eliot's car gets dirty he'll have to clean it himself, outside," Parker explained, eyebrows raising playfully.

Sophie stood silently for a moment while she considered that.

"Try the back garden."

The end.

Inspired by John Rogers confirming on his Twitter post that Christian Kane will be shirtless next season in episode 3. I basically turned Sophie and Parker into me and my best friend, but it was fun. Hope you also enjoyed!


	2. Compromise

**Title:** Your Happy Place 2/2**  
Setting:** After the finale, assumes they stay at Hardison's mansion for at least a couple days after The Second David Job.**  
Spoilers:** Very mild ones for the 12-Step Job.**  
Rating:** PG**  
Author's Notes**: This was originally planned as a one-shot but after the overwhelming response to chapter 1 and multiple requests for more, I have caved. Love you all, hope you enjoy more of this ridiculousness!  
**Summary**: Parker's scheme comes to light and the team must work out how to deal with this new … dilemma.

"Hardison! Where are you?! If you wanted to die you could have just said so! Now you're gonna die slow!"

Nate's head turned to investigate the yelling but he never got up from his chair as he saw an irate Eliot, topless and dripping wet, stalking towards the living room.

The hitter's keen eyes picked up on the laptop sitting on the couch, still on. He was close.

"Where. Is. He?" Eliot demanded, leaning so far into Nate's personal space their leader thought he could actually see the flames in Eliot's eyes.

Nate pointed gingerly in the opposite direction, "He went that way."

Smirking predatorily, Eliot started to leave, hot on his prey's trail.

"Uh …what …" Eliot snapped around when Nate spoke again, his anger ratcheting up as his hunt was interrupted. "What did he do exactly?"

"He turned on the sprinklers while I was washing my car, which he messed up in the first place!" Eliot explained loudly. "Now his skull has volunteered to be my new hood ornament."

He started to leave again but Nate interrupted.

"No he didn't!"

"What?"

Nate held up his hands to show he was being peaceful, "Hardison was here the whole time, looking up cars or something. He never did anything with the sprinklers."

There was a moment of silence as Eliot thought this over, then Nate smiled to himself and suggested, "Maybe go talk to the girls."

Eliot growled, there was only one person who was crazy enough to do this to him, "Parker!"

As Eliot stalked up the stairs Nate relaxed back in his chair and pulled out his cell phone.

"Yeah, Hardison … you can cancel those tickets you were booking to wherever it is you planned to hide. It was Parker, you were framed."

A stunned silence over the line, then Hardison spoke up, astonished, angry and yet relieved, "Damn, that girl trying to get me killed? What did I do to her?"

Nate had no answer, so sipped his scotch contently.

The stomping of Eliot's feet could be heard from a mile away but Sophie chose not to run, though when she saw him bearing down on her, the deepest scowl she had ever seen covering his face, she wondered how wise a choice that was. Then again, he was still wet and shirtless so she couldn't help smiling just a little.

"Where is she?" Eliot demanded, not beating around the bush.

"The back garden," Sophie answered almost involuntarily, not meaning to rat out her teammate but totally unable to lie to Eliot at the moment – she was unsure whether it was because of the anger or the delicious nakedness.

"Good," Eliot grumbled, back on the trail once more.

"Don't be too angry with her, you know what she's like."

Eliot turned back around for more of an explanation.

"She didn't mean any harm, she was just curious. And she doesn't know how to handle certain situations and feelings so she came up with this ridiculous scheme," Sophie continued.

Eliot stalked closer, getting more curious, "What scheme? Finding out the fastest way to get Hardison killed?"

"No, that was an unfortunate side effect. The actual goal was to get you to take your shirt off, which she accomplished quite well," Sophie pointed out, a hint of pride and appreciation touching her voice.

"A scheme for me to take my shirt off?" Eliot asked slowly, not following. "Is she high again? Are you?"

Sophie nodded, "It's Parker. I don't think I have to explain anymore than that."

Eliot ran a hand through his hair, she really didn't, "Well where the hell is she now?"

Sophie looked sheepish, "She's preparing part 3 … you might want to go check on your car."

"My … what?" Eliot's eyes bulged with anger again but he didn't ask any more questions, instead he turned around and bolted back down the stairs. "Parker!"

In the living room Hardison had cautiously returned to retrieve his laptop when Eliot came barreling down the stairs.

"It wasn't me!" he yelled instinctively, throwing his arms above his head but Eliot ignored him as he raced towards the driveway, Sophie not far behind, clicking along in her heels.

When he stepped out the door he saw her, whistling innocently as she swung a muddy bucket left and right, then hoisted it above her head to dump it on Eliot's oh so shiny car.

"Parker, stop right there!" he demanded.

The thief stopped short, unaccustomed to being caught. There was no mud on the car yet but that could change with the tiniest movement from Parker.

Back inside, Nate and Hardison were watching through the window.

"Oh my god, she's really lost it, she's suicidal! Do we have any of those happy pills left? We gotta get her help," Hardison mumbled as he rushed outside.

"Parker, put the bucket down and no one has to die."

Parker's eyes shifted for several moments – she looked at the bucket, Eliot's chest, the car, the bucket, Eliot's eyes, then chest again – before making a decision. The bucket lowered slowly and everyone breathed a sigh of relief but Eliot could tell from Parker's eyes and body language that she was going to take off.

"Parker, don't you dare run. I will retrieve you and neither of us want that," Eliot warned, taking a step forward.

"It is the man's specialty," Hardison reminded them all.

Then suddenly the tension was broken by Nate being the voice of reason, as usual, "Okay, okay, no one is killing, retrieving or hurting anyone else. Parker, put the bucket down and come inside, Eliot, relax and we'll all go talk about this."

Eyes dropping sadly Parker nodded and followed them all inside. The team gathered in the living room where they sat Parker on a chair and stood around her, waiting for answers.

The blond thief looked glum – she never got caught until now.

"All right, now Parker," Nate started but then paused, unsure where to begin. "Just why have you been tormenting Eliot?"

"And framing me for crimes I did not commit!" Hardison added.

Parker just half-shrugged, "I was curious."

"About what?" Eliot demanded.

Parker just lifted her eyes off the floor a little, a smile slowly spreading across her face again as she looked at Eliot, still shirtless.

"Oh, for the love of …" Eliot shook his head. He couldn't believe Sophie had been right. "This whole elaborate scheme of yours was just to see me topless?"

"What?" Hardison's eyes bulged – he hadn't known that part. He frowned, hurt, no one had tried to see him naked.

"I can't really blame her," Sophie mumbled but received a glare from all the men.

"Well, it's just we always say you're 'the muscle' of the team, right? But I've never actually seen the muscles," Parker defended herself as she pointed at said, spectacular muscles. "You're always wearing like three layers of clothes, or these ugly vest things. Even at home when you go to bed, you're always covered up and your showers are all steamy, you can't see anything."

Eliot's jaw dropped so Hardison filled in for him.

"You don't even have to say it man, I got this," Hardison assured him, then turned to Parker. "That's creepy."

"Well what should I have done? Do I just ask? I feel like that wouldn't have gone over well," Parker replied. "So do you want me to just ask next time I want to see you naked? Would you take your pants off too then?"

"Parker!" Eliot cut her off, not able to hear any more. "No, do not ask, do not do anything, it's all just weird and creepy!"

Parker actually flinched at that, seemingly hurt. Seeing this, Nate tried to elaborate for the hitter.

"Parker, it's just, there is no way to do what you wanted to do. You can't ask, you can't … stalk people, and you can't set up elaborate traps to get someone topless washing their car so you can watch."

From the blank look on Parker's face it seemed like she still didn't get it.

"Then how do I see Eliot naked?"

"You don't!" Eliot exploded then forced himself to breathe. "It's just, how would you feel if I set up an elaborate plan to see you topless?"

She thought about that for a second and nodded, "That's fair."

Then she started to lift her shirt up over her head.

"No, no no no," Nate yelled, as they all surged to stop her.

"Stop stop."

Parker let her shirt drop back down again and looked more confused than ever.

"Not what I meant," Eliot gritted out, completely at a loss as to what to do next.

Sophie stepped forward to try, "All right Parker, now that you've seen Eliot shirtless can we say this is done? It won't happen again so we can just forget about it and walk away?"

"Please say yes, please say yes," Hardison mumbled, in serious pain from this whole conversation, though he admittedly had been the last one to request Parker put her shirt back down.

Parker thought about it but then shook her head, "Well, what if I forget and want to see again? I feel like I will, I'm very pleased with what I've seen. Oh, what if pay you! I have lots of money. Is that less creepy?"

A group sigh was heard – they may never resolve this.

Eliot pinched the bridge of his nose, trying very hard not explode with indignation. His voice was shaking with anger as he told her, "Parker, I have killed men for less than this."

"Hey, what about a compromise," Hardison suggested excitedly. "You can take a picture!"

"Oh!" Parker lit up at that idea.

Eliot growled, "Hardison."

"You really want her messing with your car or sneaking into your shower again?" Hardison asked. "Next time she might just knock you unconscious and do whatever the hell she wants."

"One picture," Eliot agreed reluctantly.

Parker clapped excitedly and pulled out her phone, quickly switching it to camera mode. Holding it in front of her she lined up the sights, then requested, "Can you straighten up a little?"

Growling, feeling ridiculous, degraded, flattered and yet ashamed as he flexed his muscles, Eliot stood up straighter and allowed the picture to be taken.

After the click Parker checked it to make sure it turned out well and smiled happily as she looked at it. Sophie leaned over her shoulder to look as well, "Send me a copy of that?"

"Uh huh," Parker promised, zooming in on her photo.

"All right, well, now that that's settled," Nate announced, hopeful they could all move on now.

"Wait!" Parker yelled. "I need the back. Can you turn around, and move your hair?"

Eliot shook his head, prepared to do no such thing, "We're done. I'm getting dressed."

It wasn't sanctioned but Parker took another picture as he walked away, nonetheless. She smiled as she looked at it but then her face dropped when she realized what Eliot had just said. "Uh, I gotta go!"

Nate grabbed her by a suspender before she got far, "Parker, what did you do?"

She bit her lip, really wanting to leave, "Well, you see, Part 3 had two steps. There was the mud, but then I had to make sure that when Eliot washed the car he was still topless …"

"Jesus Christ! Parker!"

"So I burnt all his shirts."

"The fashion world thanks you," Sophie muttered but now they were all sharing terrified glances as they heard Eliot stomping back towards them.

"Who wants ice cream?" Nate asked. Four hands shot into the air and they all raced outside to the car to get the hell out of there.

Just before she left Parker turned to yell back inside, "We'll bring you a cone and a tank top!"

Hardison was pretty sure the intense growl that answered indicated that Eliot had in fact turned into the Hulk and they drove away quickly, fearing for their lives.

The end … for real.

Okay, that's it! It's over! Thank you all so much for the great response to the original story, hope the sequel lived up. Take care!


End file.
